Chapter 24 - Veronica’s Letter
Veronica wrote from prison eighteen months after sentencing.
Not to Sadie directly.
To Dr. Nina.
Approved channel.
She asked whether Sadie would accept a letter.
Sadie was ten now.
She read the request.
“Do I have to?”
“No.”
“Does she know I can say no?”
“Yes.”
Sadie thought for a week.
Then:
“I’ll read it.”
Ethan asked:
“Do you want me to read first?”
“Yes.”
Veronica’s letter was six pages.
Ethan read all.
Then gave Sadie only after Dr. Nina agreed it was appropriate.
Veronica began:
Sadie, I have written versions of this letter where I explain myself. Those versions were mostly for me.
Sadie paused.
“Good start.”
Ethan smiled.
She continued.
I was jealous of your relationship with Ethan. That sentence embarrasses me, but embarrassment is not the same as accountability.
Sadie looked up.
“What does that mean?”
“It means feeling ashamed doesn’t fix what you did.”
“Oh.”
She kept reading.
I was in financial trouble. I was afraid of losing the life I had built. I began seeing every person who could expose me as a threat.
You were a child. I treated your questions like attacks.
Sadie’s lips tightened.
I used the word adopted because I knew it could hurt you. I did not believe Ethan loved you less. I wanted you to believe it for a few minutes because I wanted power over you.
Sadie stopped.
Ethan waited.
She whispered:
“That’s true.”
“Yes.”
Veronica continued.
I hid Leah’s letters because I wanted to be the only mother-shaped person in your life. That was not love.
Sadie’s eyes filled.
I tried to create records that made you look unstable because I wanted Ethan to agree to send you away. I told myself it would be temporary. I knew you would experience it as abandonment.
Sadie covered her mouth.
Dr. Nina had prepared her.
Still.
I am not asking you to forgive me.
I am not asking you to write.
I am not asking you to remember the good things I did so they cancel the bad things. They do not.
I am asking only that if you ever remember what I said in that bathroom, you remember one more thing: I was lying.
Sadie cried.
Not because she needed Veronica to tell her.
Because the adult who had placed poison inside her fear had finally named it poison.
Last page:
Your father loved you then. Leah loved you from far away. Martha was frightened and still sent the video. You were never as alone as I wanted you to feel.
Sadie closed the letter.
Silence.
Then:
“I hate that she wrote something good.”
Ethan laughed softly.
“You don’t have to hate or like it.”
“I think I’m glad.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want to answer.”
“Okay.”
“Maybe someday.”
“Okay.”
She rolled her eyes.
“You say okay too much.”
“Occupational hazard.”
Sadie placed the letter in a drawer with Leah’s.
Different sections.
Different meanings.
Then she asked:
“Will Veronica come back here when she gets out?”
“No.”
“Never?”
“She has no right to the house, and protective boundaries can continue as appropriate.”
Sadie nodded.
“Could I meet her when I’m older?”
“If you choose and professionals think it’s safe.”
“Would you be mad?”
“No.”
She stared.
“You’re lying.”
Ethan smiled sadly.
“I might feel mad.”
“That’s different.”
“Yes.”
“Would you stop me?”
“If you were an adult and safe? No.”
Sadie nodded.
Adults can survive feelings.
Again.
That summer, Leah visited Newport.
Martha came for dinner though it was not her workday.
Strange group.
Ethan.
Sadie.
Leah.
Martha.
No one pretended they were one traditional family.
They were people connected by Sadie.
That was enough.
After dinner, Leah asked to see the mansion gardens.
Sadie showed her.
Not the bathroom.
No need.
Later Ethan found Sadie at the upstairs bathroom door.
“You okay?”
“Yes.”
“You need something?”
“Towel.”
He handed it.
Then noticed shower head in her hand.
Sadie turned it over.
“Do you think water remembers?”
Ethan stared.
“No.”
“Me neither.”
She put it back.
Not today.
Then:
“Tomorrow maybe.”
“Maybe.”
He did not praise.
Did not push.
Did not turn it into milestone.
They walked downstairs.
Chapter 1 had started with warm water being used to make a child afraid.
The final reversal was close.
May you like
But Sadie would choose when it happened.
No one else.
